an abstract painting with orange and blue colors

Shell-shock

Is a better descriptor of what it is like living with PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

PTSD

Author -Jacqueline. Human generated text.

9 min read

an abstract painting with orange and blue colors
woman holding someone's hand
woman holding someone's hand

I like the term SHELL SHOCK more than PTSD because it is short, sharp and gets straight to the point, and more importantly it illustrates exactly what PTSD is like.

SHELL -living in a protective case.

SHOCK – from sudden or surprising event/s or experience/s.

This is what it is like living with SHELL SHOCK, PTSD. Living with unwelcome experiences within a hard shell-like casing while trying to keep it all manageable and contained. It requires so much energy and effort to present as if everything is okay and going well, when realistically under the surface it can be a complete and utter mess.

So you may ask, how does one become SHELL SHOCKED? PTSD’D?

MY OBSERVATION OF HOW PTSD IS CREATED.

Well it can arrive in many different forms but when I reflect on my experience I had a strong emotional response to a challenging experience that formed a powerful imprint on my heart, mind, body and soul. This personal souvenir I gained is very similar to the concept of EPISODIC MEMORY. One welcomed example of Episodic Memory is when I hear David Bowies song “Absolute beginners.” It takes me right back to the memory and emotions experienced at that time of walking along the beach on a Summer night at age 15 holding hands with a boy I liked. Whenever I hear this song I can still smell the sea air and feel the fresh strong wind, and how his hand felt in mine. Hearing that song, every-time, can connect me directly to the time and place and relive that memory all over again. All the emotions. All the little details of that experience. But this is a welcomed re-experience of a fond memory.

Imagine what it is like re-experiencing Episodic Memory of something that you do not want to re-live. I think understanding how Episodic Memory is created (Strong emotions + major life event) is a great way to understand Shell Shock PTSD symptoms. How each individual element contributes to the symptoms eg. Environment, people, etc. How the combination of elements can accumulate and express internally or outwardly as panic attacks, anger outburst, out of body experiences, immobility, etc. What I found with my own Shell Shock symptoms was I kept having flashbacks to the event and at the same time I felt immense fear where I could not move or I would have a panic attack. With my symptoms, I believe I felt fear over and over again, because I did not fully express it in the actual Shell Shock event. At the event, I felt fear, but then I switched into survival mode to cope with the situation. To try and think clearly so that I could come out of it alive. I believe my symptoms was my body and souls way of telling me that I needed to feel it all to allow it to leave me. To release the memory imprinted on my mind, my heart, body and soul.

And I am not going to sit here and tell you that it was an easy path to feel the emotions fully. To feel the fear and helplessness, and sometime hopelessness. To have the flashbacks over and over again. To feel like I no longer had control over myself anymore. My body. My mind. My emotions. It was a very vulnerable place to be. Uncomfortable. But I think the natural way in which I accepted that this was how I was now, and not being in denial about the impact, really helped me to heal and transform. I did not lie to myself. Or minimize the impact of the event. No one could see inside my head or necessarily know what was happening inside me. They only got glimpses of the outer expression from time to time.

Unravelling the symptoms of Shell Shock PTSD can present as overwhelming or confusing, or both. “Where do I start”. My starting point was just observing myself. Not from a place of judgement but from curiosity. What is my trigger point. What happens next. When this happen, it sets off this, and that. And so on. Everyone has different symptoms. Everyone has different trigger points. My symptoms may not be the same as yours. Well how do we know then what Shell Shock PTSD symptoms are? Lets look to some helpful resources to understand some of the themes.

WHAT IS SHELL SHOCK PTSD?

Only a few years ago when I realised I had Shell Shock many years ago, I thought it would be helpful to put some resources together for those who may not know what it is and what the symptoms are. People have different symptoms but here are enough resources to consider, and a questionnaire which you can take to your doctor for clarity if you are not sure.

DSM-5 Diagnostic criteria for PTSD https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/box/part1_ch3.box16/

PTSD in everyday language with additional resources stress-disorder-ptsd/

Questionnaire that you can download, and print out the results to take to a health professional. It is not a diagnosis of PTSD but can support conversations about the results https://adaa.org/screening-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

MY SYMPTOMS

When I had shell shock I did not know such a thing existed. I did not go and see a doctor or seek advice or medication. Looking back and knowing what I know now. I am not sure if seeing a doctor would have helped me. Maybe they could have helped me. Maybe not. All I did at the time was to do my best to navigate it. But at the heart of it all, I knew that I experienced something that left a massive mark on my life and changed it forever. But because I love my freedom so much, I was not going to let what happened change the way I lived my life. I did not want to live a sheltered life to protect myself. Yes that would have been safe and secure if I closed myself off from the world and everyone and try and control everything, but I did not want to live in a protected state like a crab.

My symptoms of Shell Shock were;

  1. Super on edge and aware of all sensory elements especially sound. On high alert for any sound that was similar to the past event.

  2. Flashbacks.

  3. In constant flight or freeze mode.

  4. Intense fear. Anger. Irritable.

  5. Out of body experiences. As if I was no longer connected to my body when I felt fear or had a flashback. I would feel separated from my own body.

  6. Hyperventilate. Hurried shallow breathing that would make me dizzy and feel like I could not breathe.

I had many other symptoms but those listed above were the main ones for me that had the most impact and debilitating effect on my life.

HOW I COPED

What helped me the most with my symptoms was combating my fear. I could see that underlying all of my symptoms was the emotion of fear. Every-time I had a flashback, fear was there. Every-time I heard a sound similar to the Shell Shock event, fear would appear. This was a turning point for me. Fear was the number one driving force of most of my symptoms. I thought to myself, what is the opposite of Fear. Courage. So how do I use courage to combat fear? Safety. Safety was the key for me to have the courage to combat my fear. If I could create a space for myself of safety, this would help control my fear that would in turn help me to cope with all of my other symptoms. I knew safety would give me the courage and motivation and to do something different.

SAFETY. COMFORT OR SELF-DESTRUCTION?

With Shell Shock there is a reason why we retreat. Why we hide ourselves away. It is because we are trying to control aspects of our lives so they are not out of control. Shell Shock symptoms can make you feel like you no longer have control over yourself. Your thoughts, emotions, feelings, behaviour, etc. So we hide ourselves away to try not to trigger anything. Or we use substances or indulge in behaviour just to get by each and every day. But in reality we are trying to find some sense of comfort or safety and security. It's hard for people who do not have Shell Shock to understand what we are going through. Sure they may say they understand or try their best to be patient. But no one else understands Shell Shock unless they have been through it too. But hiding ourselves away or drowning ourselves in substances to try and cope, only works for so long. And I did not want to live my life hiding away. I wanted to live my life in freedom. Freedom from fear.

THE PLAN

I decided to make a plan that would keep me safe in all kinds of situations when fear kicked in. When I was alone. When I was with people. When I was at work. Whenever I heard any SOUND connected to the past event that would trigger my fear. So I reflected on what SOUND can I create myself to overcome a sound that sets off the fear. MY WORDS. My self-talk. Words that would bring me comfort and safety.

I created a space of safety by;

  1. I would tell myself I am safe. I am not in the same situation and I am safe. Yes there are things that are similar to the event, but it is not the event. I am safe. I am okay. These feelings will pass. This experiencing of everything all over again will pass. I am not back there anymore. I am here now in this place, and I am safe. I would repeat this over and over again while I was feeling fear or triggered and it helped me to calm myself down.

  2. I would also breathe deeply and say the words out loud or quietly to myself in my thoughts as I took each breath in. This prevented me from having a panic attacks and hyperventilating because I was controlling my breath and using the sound and words to comfort myself. To keep myself in the present moment, and not stuck in the past of what happened then.

  3. Asking my partner to just hold my hand to help ground me. Or I would ask him to walk behind me to help me have some sense of safety because he was close by. If he was not around, I would repeat to myself, I am safe. I am okay. I am just re-experiencing the event again. I am safe.

  4. I would also feel the emotions. All of them. Fear, sadness, anger. I would let it wash over me like a fast flowing river. I did not try to control them. I would just stop, close my eyes, and feel everything. Yes sometimes I would physically start shaking. But I would let the emotion flow through me, over me, around me. I knew that the emotion would not last forever. There was a start point and an end point. Yes I may have felt fear many times in a single day, but each time I allowed it to flow, the less I would feel it the following week and the following month, and the following year. The less fear I felt, the less flashbacks I had.

Now I am not going to say that my symptoms disappeared overnight, because they did not. What helped me the most was feeling all of the emotions. I did not try to stop them because I found my symptoms became less and less. The panic attacks stopped. The hyperventilation stopped. The flashbacks became less and less. What also helped me the most was telling myself that I was safe. I was okay. That really helped me through some really tough times. Here is a link to a comfort and safe activity to plan out what you need and perhaps explore different options to help you cope in different situations.

WHAT I LEARNT

I am not going to go into detail about my own SHELL SHOCK experiences in the interest of not setting off your own. I have navigated my own unwanted episodic memories well enough to be able to cope when it sets in motion a re-experience. Over the years the re-experiences have become less and less to the point I may only have a episode once every 2-3 years that will either be in the form of feeling fear for a few seconds, or to visualising a small portion of the event without re-experiencing any emotions. I have also transformed what I experienced into valuable life lessons;

  1. Trust my intuition. Not now and again. Always.

  2. I can heal myself. The answers lay within.

  3. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to ask for help and for what I need.

If you are someone who has Shell Shock and are struggling to get by day to day. Please dont give up. You can get through it. I did and I am as stubborn as they come. I used that same stubborn trait to help myself to heal myself. So can you. Please reach out to someone if you need help. Please use the resources listed above if you would like to explore then. And here is a link to a plan I put together to start mapping out your own safe space and safe place to create a foundation for you to move forward if you wish to take control of your own symptoms. You are worthwhile, you are valued, and you are important.

Love helps everyone, everywhere, all the time. See you in the next post.